The truth

I've been contemplating for a couple of days whether I should be exposing this vulnerable side to people who read this blog. You know how I tend not to go on the feeling side and want to keep personal things as subtle as possible when I blog.

Then it dawned on me that it doesn't matter after all. I might never have to chance to type with such full exposure ever again in the future since after this, I will be going back to my usual Huixin posts. So one full post about the truth wouldn't hurt eh?

So yes, let's get on with it.

Goodness, it does feel awkward to be spilling the truth about yours truly like this. I don't even know how to begin.

Let me ask you a question.

How happy do you think I am, really?

Outwardly, with all the bubbly and laughter, one could easily say that I'm one happy kid, carefree and just plain happy. I tried to believe that I was that happy. But I was not.

Although I did have a family and awesome friends, there was just something there that made me empty. It seemed that even if there were so many people surrounding me, there were just there because they were there. A pure coincidence perhaps.

Of course, there were some hurtful situations that I went through with some people. It's funny to think that the people who are supposed to love and care for you the most can be the source of pain and condemnation. Due to this fact, I decided to stop giving myself wholly to anyone at all because I kept getting hurt and condemned and it was sheer pain. So, I started building this wall all over my heart and tried my best to be as distant and aloof to people in case one day, I get hurt again. It worked and I found out that the more I distanced myself, the less pain I felt when I got hurt. However, the only catch in this method was that I really started despising people, and their very happy lives.

I despised the fact no one realized how much pain they had inflicted on me and how insignificant I always seem in every situation. I despised myself, for being me, for being this blank background in a bold coloured photo, and most of all, for being so useless.

I always regarded myself as a non-feeling feeling talk person so I never wanted to share the real me with anyone. Sure, I did rant about this or that but no one knew about the real situation of anything. Hence, I started bottling up things bit by bit and decided to lose myself in my own creative imaginations of 'What Ifs' and dreaming of land thereafter and such. It felt better to be that way.

I soon forgot to cry over situations and started looking at things coldly, promising myself one day, I will be the one inflicting the pain on others instead. Yes, I got very vengeful.

At this stage I probably sound like some sort of emotional psychopath. Thank goodness this is something I don't have to do all the time.

As stated in the previous post, I did attend some church meetings which made me realize so many things. I am not one to be very excited over church activities. In fact, I would not have made it my priority to be attending extra services besides the usual Sunday service but since my parents decided that we were going, I just tagged along.

The evangelist was from India and was only 22 years old but when he the sermons he gave just made me realize how wrong I had been about everything; my priorities, my opinion of life itself, everything. I decided to try to see things and situations to God's way and submit to Him. It was on Sunday when he used Luke 13:10-13 to preach; it was the passage about Jesus when he healed this woman who was bent due to a evil demon that possessed her for 18 years.

Sure, in that long period of time, although nothing miraculous happened, she kept attending church faithfully, worshiping and expecting nothing in return.

Isn't it funny how we react when bad situations happens to us? I admit, I did put my blame on God for these tough times. I questioned Him; asking Him why did he put these obstacles in my path. I hated feeling like a failure.

Of course, when the opposite happens, I'd be back to thanking God and being all happy.

I was always expecting something from Him instead of loving Him unconditionally. Then, it did seem hard since I had all these hatred and hurt bottled up inside.

Back to the old woman, who worshiped and expected nothing in return. Being bent, she might have been an invisible member of the synagogue, someone who attended church regularly, someone who no one would give a second glance at. Basically someone who no one would ever care about.

However after 18 years, Jesus healed her on that normal Sunday morning and touched her. 18 long years.

The evangelist then had us all close our eyes and repeat a prayer after him. He asked us whether could we love Jesus, even if it was just that Sunday just for who He is. Somehow, I just started crying. I wasn't feeling any hurt so it definitely wasn't from sadness and I wasn't feeling overjoyed so it couldn't be tears of joy.

It was just this peace that settled in my heart. And at that point, I knew it was the Holy Spirit, healing me and I began to let go of everything. Of course, I wasn't the only one crying. There some other people but I was too busy bawling my eyes out to see who. The evangelist started calling out some church members for prayers and just as I thought I had finished crying, he beckoned me to step out to the alter. He said a prayer for me although I can't really recall what it was and suddenly I realized I was squatting on the floor, crying harder than before. So typical not me. At least the music did its bit in drowning out my cries.

I guess at some point in my life, I decided to let Me rule my life. However, in the end, it is actually up to God. It made me realize how much I have neglected having a relationship with Him and because of that, I subjected myself into all these unnecessary grief, which is time wasting. I've been seeking for love in all the wrong places but today, I can tell you that I am contented because I now know how much I mean to God. Really, the joy of discovering that is something else.

I feel so much lighter than I have for months, even years. I feel as though I am free. And yes, if you ask me if I am really happy, I can tell you for the first time, I truly am. I am healed and for once, I am deciding to do something that I should have been doing a long, long time ago; trying to live according to His ways and looking to Jesus no matter what.


So, yes the truth. Took me a long, long time trying to express everything and all.

Of course, the next time you see Huixin in her bubbly self, she is fine (not in an emotional psychopath state of mind any longer) and is really really, truly truly, happy happy and is thankful for all the awesome people in her life.

I also have brother Shyju Mathew (the evangelist) to thank for all this. =) Met him after the church service with Anna (although I was hesitating at first since I shy bah. Haha) and got a chance to thank him. Dropped him a comment on his blog and got a very nice reply via email.

Sigh. I shall be off. It was difficult to start, mind you but I am glad I managed to end it well.

Till then.