Hey, hey, hey, I'm gonna be happy someday

So the plus side of the week is, I am RM 200 richer thanks to the former alma mater who was generous in giving.

Actually, make that RM 245 richer, in cash. Plus, I got my pay!! Whoop whoop.

However, aside from the prize money, I reckon this is just now my week. At. All.

Let's start with work. So after a month of silence, Colleague From Hell finally began her tyranny again. First off, she tried to make me look bad in front of her patient by trying to cover up a mistake that SHE made. Yes, pushing the blame on someone but the patient spoke up, in the end, unveiling the truth that it was in fact Colleague From Hell (CFH) who did NOT inform her hence, the confusion. Man, the look on my face. Pure glee.

Then, just because she felt so unsatisfied that she got one-upped, she started badgering me about extremely useless things such as medical records placed on the counter (like where else should you place them, I wonder, on the floor?), registration, and even trying to put other people's mistakes on me. Like wtf is her problem anyway?

You know, in MOST cases, I would really, really pity women who are not able to conceive, although they do try really hard BUT in her case, although I very much want to pity her, I somehow can't. You know how it is when you try really hard to find something good in someone but you fail to so when you see them, all you do is hate them and their downfall is your victory? Yes. That is the exact situation with her.

And the fact that she thinks just because she has a special language, CFH will gossip about me right in front of me pisses me off real bad. She'd sit with her cronies (who are actually the other people who are intimidated by her and choose to be under her tyranny. Stupid.) and yak and yak thinking that only her cronies can understand her. I'm sorry, aunty, but which part of you is itching for a punching?

How old are you and how old am I? When is actually funny to gossip about a girl who's a mere 10+ years younger than you? I don't have a bloody husband or my own family yet and since you seem to have one, shouldn't you be the one who's more mature compared to everyone?

Bah. Anyway CFH has found a new assistant aka ass wiper aka butt lifter. Bliss.

So, if work wasn't bad enough, I had to, guess what, face more challenges in church! Yes, in church. Of all places.

See, I do play the piano for the church, although I am not great at all and actually am at the edge of suckiness but yes I do play since there are no other pianists around. Either that or some choose to hide their talents from the prying eyes of the public. So yes, every Saturday we do have music practice where everyone would gather and practice.

Let me tell you la. I don't have very good skills since I did stop learning piano when I was in grade 4 perhaps so I am sure everyone would know how limited I am but over time, I started learning how to play by ear and I am still grasping that skill. The good thing is, we only play chords which makes things more simpler.

Yes, I admit I am not the best and yes, I am still learning. Can you expect someone to be perfect in a blink of an eye? Anyway, I guess because I am rather quiet and being short and all, some people mistake that for timidness so someone, yes SOMEONE, decided to be my trainer, although he knows zilch about anything and bossed me around.

When I try to be do the best to my abilities, that certain someone just had to pull me down. When I am trying my hardest to be creative, that someone just claimed that I wasn't. Sometimes, I do gain the confidence to play and be glad that I am doing my best for God but when that someone comes along, everything just shatters and I am once again feeling condemned.

Condemnation. No confidence. Nothing. Nada.

You try your hardest and someone just has something negative to say which makes you feel that your best is still not good enough and although they do say that giving your best pleases God, your best is NOTHING to man.

Today was the final straw. Someone was leading worship and with a very, very arrogant tone, he cut me down. Completely. I think the fact that he has a band and considers himself a very professional person makes him come up with such high expectations of me which are only achievable if there was a professional player around. Which I am not, obviously.

Condemnation. It cut my deep. And bad.

I contemplated on my next move. Should I run? Sit? Smile? What? So as not to cause a scene, I decided to stay for the entire practice, tears were watering my eyes but I sucked it in. Yes, I was on the brink of tears.

It sucked that I had already faced a long day at work dealing with people that are so impossible and now, this?

Obviously, someone didn't know that what he had said really hurt me as he carried on with his practice and I did too, just being a puppet of his.

When practice ended, I gathered my things and left and as I was going down the stairs, the worship director caught up with me and asked me if I was okay.

You know how it is when during a long period of time, some people just had to be nasty and all and suddenly someone comes along and was actually nice? You just get so overwhelmed and that broke the floodgates of tears as much as I hate to admit it. Kind of loserish really.

So I told him how stressed up I was. When I give my best, someone just has a comment for me which makes me kind of fearful to actually play. What is it that you guys want I asked. It's too difficult since everyone is different. Everyone has different expectations.

He understood and said that he knew how I felt. Thinking that my best is not good enough and feeling condemned and all.

So after the outburst, the team had a little meeting discussing the various problems and all. Someone did apologize but still, he was so full of it and tried defending himself. He kept getting confused about the root of the problem which was so frustrating so I gave up explaining to him. What's the use?

Worship director asked me if I still wanted to play tomorrow and I told him I would think about it. He also told me to take a break from serving if I needed it. Well, after some consideration, I am going to take up his offer and just not play. At least for now.

After a while, I am thinking of quitting. They can do without me. I am sure they can. Although my best may please God, it will never please the team or man. If I get so frustrated over this, why should I continue doing something that I will never be happy in?

Yes, in the end, my final decision would be to just quit. There were some good times but then there were the bad ones as well. And we know that we'd usually remember the bad ones more compared to the good yes?

Harboring hate is just bad. I must stop that.

Till then.